The In-Between

Just a little over a year ago, if you would have asked, I would have told you that I was deliriously happy. I would say it almost every day. Because I know that everything is cyclical, I knew it could come crashing down at any moment (which it did) so I never, not for one second, took it for granted. I was so very grateful for everyone and everything that was in my life at that time.

So last year, when my world was turned upside down (I know I need to write about this, but not quite sure I can do that yet) I thought happiness was gone for good. I cried every single day from my birthday in October 2021 until July 28, 2022 (yes - that day is significant for me - will tell you that in another post!) During that time, I just wished I could go "back" - for sure, definitely back to Florida. I hate the cold weather and just have not acclimated to it here yet.

But I longed to be back in my old life. I wanted to be happy again - so I lived in the memories of those days when I was so very, very happy. But the other day - as I was driving, something came to me. If, somehow, God or the Universe were to grant me that wish - that I could go back to my life "before" - I would still know everything I know now, but none of the events that have transpired would have happened. I would be back at my job, still in my house, still living in Florida, I wouldn't be in a ridiculous amount of debt, but I would know...I would know the betrayal of those close to me. Would I go?

It pained me to say that, No, I would not go back...although the warmth of Florida took me the longest to put behind...but the rest was an easy decision. My "friends" I learned, had been talking shit about me behind my back. The betrayal by my boss has been the hardest thing to get over. This was a guy that I would do ANYTHING for. I asked for nothing for myself. All I wanted was to see him succeed and to help him get there. I wanted everything FOR him. There were extenuating circumstances - but in the end - he left me out in the cold and abandoned. Never once did he check on me to see if I was alive or dead (because each and every day - it could have gone one way or another)

I reached out to my sister for help (I NEVER ask for help) and not only did she refuse, but she proceeded to SCREAM at me and tell me this was all my fault. We haven't spoken in over a year, and although I wish no harm to anyone, I could not care less if I never spoke to her again. I lost another family member, who, after being a great sounding board and supporter, suddenly turned on me and said - "you must have done something to deserve this" Even my best friend of over 50 years - turned on me.

So, yeah I know what you're thinking...is the problem really everyone else...or is it me? Why would everyone turn on her? I know. I asked myself that question almost daily. I take responsibility for my part. I was so very naïve - which is embarrassing for me at my age and being a "seasoned" New Yorker...but I was way too trusting. I didn't ask the questions I should have asked. I didn't require the security I was entitled to. I put my trust in someone who, in the end, did not deserve it. For that, I got exactly what I deserve.

Although probably the most painful part of my life to date, it has taught be very valuable lessons...but it also leaves me in the "In-Between" - where you can't go back - but you don't know the way forward. It's an uncomfortable place to be - at any age - but it's very difficult and sad place for me right now. I most likely will never recover financially. If I ever thought that at some point I might be able to retire - those dreams are dashed. I will have to work until my very last day on earth.

Here's the kicker though, I don't think I would have changed anything. I loved the people I loved with all my heart (I still do) - I wish all of them the best. I hold no grudges or ill will. The only thing I will say is that I'm just glad I'm me - and not them...I'd rather live with the pain than the guilt of knowing that I hurt someone so irreparably.